Come So Far, and Yet.....

While we wait for more FlyIns photos, I thought I’d dig deep into how the trip affected me on a personal level.

The past few weeks have made me realize how far I’ve come in dealing with my autism and how far I still have to go.

On Andros, I pushed myself further than I’ve ever gone. I spent almost a week with sources and pestered and hounded them, like a journalist should. I convinced sources to give me meaningful answers during interviews and came back to the States with what could be a meaty story, instead of a shallow one. I walked right into the homes of sources without really being invited, which would have been far more daunting to me a couple years ago. I talked to sources about watching their children take their last breaths on the island and how they put their art on hold to pay the bills.

I joked with other students on the trip and played ping-pong with them in my spare time, even though it was my inclination to stay quiet and just fade into the background.

As Enterprise editor at the Alligator, I’ve learnt how to manage my writers and help bring them to their full potential. I’ve eaten Krishna lunch with my fellow editors and learnt how to relax with them after work.

But here’s the catch: I still don’t really feel connected to anyone. I hoped that would change when I was forced to spend a week with the same people while on FlyIns or when I got to know my coworkers better at the Alligator. But that human bond I was hoping to find just isn’t there. And that’s frustrating.

When I went to a birthday party partially planned for me a couple weeks ago, I was unable to remove my self from the wall of the host’s apartment and join the other guests as they started dancing. I wanted to. I just couldn’t.

When I was invited to a party on the beach on Andros, I declined the offer and told the students, half-jokingly, “I don’t like people!” At a party at a bar on one of the last nights there, I declined some students’ offer to buy me a drink for reasons I still don’t understand. I sat on the railing of the patio of the bar for the rest of the night and just watched everyone inside dance. Half of me wanted to go inside and party. The other half didn’t see any reason to. A friend of mine told me it’s because I took the trip more seriously than the other participants. She meant that as a compliment. But I don’t think it’s that simple.

From what I’ve read by other college students and adults with Asperger’s, it’s not uncommon to feel this way. But it’s still frustrating to know you’ve done so much to break out of the autistic bubble only to realize you haven’t come close to popping it

I don’t want to be like the people who wrote those essays. My Asperger’s might make me different, but I won’t let it define me and beat me. It all comes down to attitude.

I’ve resolved to find a way to combat the autism and work on socializing with people on a deeper level or larger scale, even if it’s just dancing at a party, before I graduate. Working harder at it hasn’t worked. So I’ll have to work smarter. I just have to figure out how to do so.